IN A surprising move, the Chinese Football Association has offered to shoulder Philippine Azkals coach Thomas Dooley’s contract extension as a thank you for helping the Chinese national team advance to the final round of the Asian qualifier for the World Cup 2018.
Dooley, whose contract expired on the day the Philippines beat North Korea for the first time, will reportedly be paid a very generous package under the “China is the Philippines’ big brother, not bully program.”
In fact, it is so generous that when Jurgen Klinsmann, who had Dooley under his staff once, heard of it, he sent in his application to be the former US captain’s assistant coach in the Philippine team.
Aside from the very generous salary, Dooley gets his own private plane, a Ferrari F430, a Discovery Primea Condo and a new Samsung phone every other week.
“The Philippines, except their president, is a good friend of China. We have so many China-products being sold there and this is just the latest chapter in the long history of positive relationship between the two good friends neighbors,” said Chinese Football Association spokesperson Avril Folle.
China defeated Qatar, 2-0, but needed help from the Philippines to advance to the next round. Had North Korea won, it would have advanced as one of the four best runner-up teams. Instead, it’s China that is advancing for the first time since they made the World Cup in 2002.
“The glorious victory of our small neighbor is a glorius victory for Asian football. That is why when we learned that their coach’s contract is to expire, we readily shouldered it as part of our China is a big brother not bully program,” said Folle. “We know the football in Philippines doesn’t have money.”
When sought for comment, Dan Palami, the long-suffering manager of the national team, confirmed the very generous offer from China.
“I asked them if it was possible to include in the package the salary of the team manager as well, because one peso a year is too low,” said Palami, who will be flying to China on April 1 to sign the deal.
Palami will be paid P50,000 a month as team manager, but will get 100 percent increase every time the word “drums” is mentioned in the Pinoyfootball page. He will not get a private plane, a Ferrari or a even a condo.
The package is bankrolled by Chinese billionaire Beigh Noang Ni, whose girl he was luring told him five days ago, “I’m yours body and soul if China makes the third round of the World Cup qualifiers.”
The coaching contract isn’t the only new thing for the Philippines, as the Philippine Football Federation has finally conceded that the Ultras Filipinas are right and them wankers are wrong.
“It is with great honor that we announce the appointment of the Ultras Filipinas as the chairpersons for grassroots football in the Philippines,” said PFF secretary general Ed Gastanes, who was in tears when he read the message.
The Kaholeros resigned en masse as the PFF’s favorites when they heard of the move.
“As part of their role in grassroots, they will be teaching our U7s, and U8s the proper enunciation of ‘wankers,’ ‘lads,’ and other important football ideas as ‘the PFF is an idiot,” Gastanes said. “We are lucky to have god’s gift to Philippine football, so we might as well use them.”
A lightning bolt hit the PFF after Gastanes issued the statement but that was attributed to a priest having some business affairs at one of the PFF’s neighbors.
Football writers like Cedelf Tupas, Ryan Fenix and Roy Moore, or “journos” as the Ultras call them, are also required to include at least one Ultras reference in their stories also. They will be included in the PFF payroll if they fail to do so.
Next month, the Ultras will embark on a two-month tour around Bacolod, Iloilo, Cebu and Davao to teach grassroots football and the PFF has sent in a two-ton order for balaclavas as support of the grassroots initiative.
PFF president Mariano Araneta also added they dismissed all their scouts for failing to do their jobs.
“Last week, I was told that a friend of the cousin of the former driver of David Beckham used to train with the boyfriend of the golf buddy of a former Man U second stringer, and is good enough to start for the U19. How could they have missed that? I get calls like that every day and it means the PFF scouts are not doing their jobs,” Araneta said.
However, he denied that starting spots will be based on FB likes.
“Siguro, based on Twitter followers, which is more practical,” he said.